A villain who--

"HEY! Let me make my own introduction!"

No, you listen to me, you condescending peddler of purple prose! Without me, this story would be nothing, so I'll be having approximately none of your put-downs and petty character jabs. I don't care if there's an unsightly wart on my nose, nor that it crinkles when I'm glaring at the hero of... whatever this is supposed to be. Do you realize how important it is that I am here? More important than my looks, I'll tell you that!

Come to think of it, author, I think I shall show you precisely how doomed your narrative truly is, without a cornerstone villain like me. Suppose your Hero and his--her? oh it doesn't matter now--loyal and steadfast band of warriors, finally does make it through my puzzles and finds that key to my throne room (which I stress, is not inside the ribcage of my Ghoul Guards, and I wish those adventurers would quit slaying them). Once they're inside, then what? The epic final battle of good versus evil? Maybe it'll come with an over-the-top progressive rock organ solo. What do you mean they don't do those anymore? Didn't it work for Kefka?

Either way, it doesn't matter, because the point is that I'm not there. I left the narrative hours ago. My influence is still felt, because it's difficult for it not to be, when my legions continue to carry out my will. You try cleansing the greater Kingdom of one hundred thousand skeleton warriors with a party of four.

The thing is, I know what happens when I am defeated. All monsters under my control cease to be. The darkness recedes and gives way to the morning sun. But if I'm not where they want me, they can take no such shortcuts. Hero, heroine, whatever you may be this century, it is time you learned to do things the hard way. There is no silver bullet. Your task is thankless and eternal. If it is glory you desire, you'd best get cracking. Maybe you'll be done with it in ten years, when it's time for the obligatory remastered edition to come. And then this whole thing starts all over again, doesn't it?

...

What do you mean I still haven't introduced myself?!